The walls are closing in on me, my cute little studio gets
teeth during the day
It feels like I have nowhere to go, I’m down to questioning everything,
even my likes and dislikes
Do I like delicious food? Not here. Do I like the raging and
calming waves? Not here.
Suddenly out of what I knew about myself, none of the
adjectives apply
All the people around me are strangers, everything around me
is new
My love for travelling seems so ironic right now, the new
sceneries, experiences, photography
Things I loved like meeting new people, experiencing new
cultures, trying new food, sleeping on new pillows and using new toothbrushes
Maybe I liked it because I knew it was temporary, knew I will
go back home once this is over
Now when I am around the new things, all of the above, I
have lost myself
I find my thoughts and actions to be new to me too
I don’t have an identity here, the old one that I had, that
told me what I was supposed to be doing at all times
It defined my existence, and told my mind how to react and
respond to everything
How does one live without their identity? Do they start from
scratch?
What is my role? What does a wife really do? Am I the protector
here? I don’t even know this place
What is happening here? Am I a rights campaigner or not?
How do people go on living like this? When nothing is the
same? What is constant day in and day out?
Even my mind is not on my side, it keeps throwing new things
It is like an engine constantly generating negative
thoughts, wants to keep itself challenged
Not knowing there are enough challenges already. What I need
is comfort, and familiarity
How does one know who you are anymore, what if you decide
enough is enough?
What will I do when I decide that it is enough? Hah, don’t
even have the answer to that. So I’m not even decisive anymore?
So many questions, on top of that so many answers to those
questions, which one to pick?
There is so much confusion. What is the purpose of it? What is
it that I do here? Where is my path?
Where did the black and white go? I see only grey
Gosh, how does everyone go through this? Then they say, “oh
there really is a name for what I went through?”
Why didn’t you talk about it then? If you really went through
it? How did you get out of it? Or are you still there?
This emptiness and loss of identity? The abyss, a black
hole, a dark place that sucks you into it.
Who can really answer my questions? Why isn’t the answer to
my questions with me anymore?
