9. Ma comes to town

by Summaiya Hassan

So, In Ramzan my ma and sister came to live with my aunt. I also went for 5 days. It was during ramzan so the days went by in a blur, and sehri’s were dark because my cousin couldn’t take the light during sehris. Yes, she’s a vampire.

(Actually, if you open the light her drowsiness goes away, so she prefers to eat in the dark)

There were ups and downs during this time. Then I went back to my own house, and invited ma over once. I made my first ever Shorba, just like it is at home. Made ma have it too. We went out to JBR, and had iftar at the beach also. It was a hectic day and the taxi guy actually left us because my aunt couldn't figure where the beach entrance was. The taxi guy left us on the road because it was time for maghrib namaz almost and he needed to go do iftar too. Then my older sister came and I didn’t go to stay there.

My husband’s friends were also in town, so we went out quite a bit with them. I clicked very nicely with his friend’s mother. She was really fun to speak with. It was hilarious. She told me her son had asked her to carry a dupatta because “Hassan ki wife bari shareef aur dupatta lene wali hain.” I found this too cute. The mother actually carried the dupatta for as long as she could. But then the boys decided to make us walk in June, in the bad bad bad heat, and we were all sweaty. My husband coined the phrase hyperdhidrosis. We all thought he made it up, now when I google it I see it actually exists.

This was also the time I realized I don’t like my husband paying attention to anyone else. Which I realized was stupid too, but I couldn’t get a handle on it anyway. I welcomed going to my aunt’s but then decided it was stupid, and I should not be able to run away every time we face an issue as a couple.

In the end, it was decided that I am too bored because I have too much time, and since there are weddings coming up, I should plan another trip to Karachi. 

On the day of my flight, we were ready to leave. My mother called and was hyperventilating and speaking really loudly. She called to tell me that they checked my ticket and my flight is for the day after. We laughed it off. Kept the bags on the side, and went and watched a movie. I left the next day.  

8. I. HAVE. TOO. MUCH. TIME.

By Summaiya Ahmed (since that is what I have to send out in my cvs)

It is quite insane this job cycle. Everyone wants to hire a new someone who has already done what the job is all about but who will be cheaper since they are new. If someone is new, how will they have already done what you want them to do. And if someone has already done what you want them to do, then they cannot be cheaper since they are not new. 

DECIDE Darnit!

Growing up is sad some times. Specially when you have suddenly done it. So many responsibilities and finances, Oh my God! Finances drive me insane. I hate finances but I love money.  

Maybe this one should be called Rantings of a new wife. -_-

7. The dreaded truth for new wives

By Summaiya Noor Ali

Since I got married quite a few of my acquaintances are getting hitched. At first, I was completely at a loss after witnessing how society pushes you into settling into your new life like that is what you were born to do. Also, apparently, it comes easy to some.

Through my experiences, I have started mentoring girls who are going to be brides in the near future, since no amount of reading can prepare you for what lies after the wedding. Although I am a student myself in this field, I think I can still help people who are about to step into this zone. Coincidently, I have been lucky enough to be invited to iftars and dinners before Ramzan. I do not consider myself a very social person but somehow I was given the opportunity to be seated next to someone who is getting married within the next 2-4 months. Since I have way too much to say about weddings these days, we become friends and I start mentoring this girl. We exchanged contacts and that is that.

So I found people in this new strange land, and I went on and on about how they can prepare themselves, since I wasn’t prepared. (I don’t think I ever could have been prepared) I am the perfect person to be talking about after-the-wedding dramas. It has become like a sales pitch, where brides-to-be are usually hanging on every word.

So here it is, a list of things you must read up on, or prepare yourself by sticking to a recently married person from your friends circle:

1. First night is not all about love-making: There actually are a few amaals to do. Which is a namaz (to be recited by the bride and groom) and a few duas (which the groom has to recite). Also, the groom washes the brides feet for the one and only time and then that water is sprinkled around the house as a goodluck omen. This usually happens after nikkah. For everyone's convenience here is a link to that: http://www.al-islam.org/from-marriage-to-parenthood-heavenly-path-abbas-and-shaheen-merali/chapter-1the-wedding-night
2. Please please please better train yourself for the after-marriage-life. I myself have always worked and before that always studied, so I am the perfect example of someone who is blundering about even today. It has been almost 4 months for me in this house. It is true that cooking, cleaning etc are not a wives responsibility but in today’s world, it has sadly become so. The sooner you understand and accept it the better. Actually if you are at home, and not working yet, I think it is quite alright to get comfortable doing house chores. Believe me you would go mad if you do not keep yourself busy in the first few months. These house chores will go a long way in keeping you sane. To make yourself feel better about these, you can ask your husband to help out by dividing the tasks. Now some husbands come home from work around 11 pm, it would be incredibly selfish of you to ask them to do some house chores at that hour.
3. For those people who have no experience in cooking, you could get a tiffin service so that you don’t have to cook in the beginning. Especially if you are planning on working, which is usually the case these days, then make your husband understand beforehand that you will/will not be able to handle house chores or cooking when you will be working. This way you can mutually decide since the beginning when to clean, how to make food arrangements, washing clothes. You could cook maybe thrice a week, where you cook for 2 days on the same day. (One day is dinner-that- you-don’t-cook-day. Go out, or maybe the husband can cook on this day. ;))
4. I repeat. Please better train yourself. I can repeat this till it is drilled in people’s brains. A lot of modern women, I say this because these women are well educated, have mature opinions and are confident employees in the corporate world, these women usually are not well equipped for handling a house. Hey, it is my first time getting married too and I am still struggling since I come from a family that says we will treat girls like princesses because they will be spending the rest of their lives working in their own houses. We were not allowed to press Dada's back or legs, or even get his shoes for him because he would say we are kuwari (unwed). Pampered to the limit. In fact there was no limit. But for people like me, who had barely ever washed their clothes, and who had almost never cleaned the whole house in one day, who never ever really made a whole meal from scratch. I repeat women like me, must get comfortable cooking. Come prepared and know how to cook their favourite dishes atleast. I am saying this because a lot of days I could have cried because I was missing my mom’s daal or roti so much. You get used to your own cooking in time, but for those deep-down-under days, learn to make what you like to eat.
5. Cleanliness is half of faith. There I said it. My room used to be a pig sty if I might say so myself. The door has numerous posters daring people to enter at their own risk. Once they enter, under the clothes which seem to always cover every inch of my floor, they might step on a blade or a cordless phone. Fine, the blade was over-exaggeration but you get my point. I had never before used harpic, or seen the various cleaning agents that a tiny house might need. Well, there is always a first time for everything. And the firsts don't stop coming.
6. Loneliness is your friend. Get comfortable within your own skin.
7. Do not be afraid to cry. Also, make sure your husband knows and understands your internal struggles. Emotionally i was a baby, or maybe a baby is better emotionally equipped. Till i started work my emotions were all over the place. My poor husband had to bear the burden of them. The frequency has reduced plenty, but once a month, i am back to being needy, cranky, extremely irritating. 
8. Find what you like and bring it with you. Arts, books, pictures, camera. Anything you like that you think can keep you busy. 
9. Do not rush the job scene. You need time to adjust to a new life. But at the same time set a limit, you can whine and bitch till 5 months. Then grow up. Get a job. Start with taking reponsibility around the house. Skype daily.
10. Be a tourist in your new city. Explore it. Own it. 
11. Make sure to go to your mehka weekly, for a nightstay. Or after the first few months, for atleast a month if you moved somewhere abroad.
12. Do not despair. Be grateful at ALL times. 
13. For peace of mind and heart recite Dua e Neim ul Badal. 

Original article had 14 points. For those wondering what the 14th is, contact me directly. if you are above 18 it will be shared with you. In fact above 24. 

6. I woke up.

By Summaiya Noor Ali

Hello to everybody who isn’t reading my daily diary. It isn’t as daily as I would like it to be but its good. I have found my routine! Yayyy!!! I am in a much much much better place mentally. How did this happen? Well… cry it out. Tell your husband you do not understand what is wrong with you. Cry it out some more. Tell your husband that you have turned into a baby. Needing attention all the time, needing to be pampered by unconditional love till the baby itself decides that they want some space and need to grow some on their own and be… wait for it… independent.

It was a revelation when I realized this. But it wasn’t all me.

Seeing me down in the dumps, my husband recommended Dua e Neim ul Badal. Whoa!

This is a miracle in itself. The story behind it needs to be narrated first. Bibi Salma was a widow, and her husband had died in war. She had a son and was finding it extremely hard to make ends meet. I can only imagine her mind heart and body having a daily battle, losing a husband and having a son to raise and no income from anywhere. She decided to send her son to Rasool e Khuda saww with a message. She conveyed that her life was becoming very difficult to cope with, so if Rasool saww could help her by telling her what to do. He gave her son 3 lines of dua. He told her son to tell his mother to recite this dua as much as possible and watch its miracle take place. Bibi Salma started reciting it daily. And these are no amaal, there is no minimum or maximum limit to the number of times one is supposed to recite it. Within 3 months, she was married to the last Prophet saww of Islam.

Look at how her fate turned because of just a little bit of faith. This dua is considered to be the most powerful dua in Islam. In times of extreme difficulties one must recite it, and watch how quickly He swt helps you overpower your problems. He shows you that the things that you consider mountains are actually just molehills, waiting for him to say “Be,” and “it becomes.” Imagine how tiny we must be to see molehills as mountains. Gosh! Could I love this guy any more?

So I started reciting this dua all the time. After every namaz, and before sleeping. Within half a day I had memorized it. Within one day I had emails and calls of job interviews where I had been shortlisted. A feeling of exhiliartion had overtaken my senses. I could finally feel peace in my heart. After months of feeling overwhelmed, only those who have felt overwhelmed for so long will know how exhausting it can be. And then the feeling of peace when it washes over your heart, you can just feel tears of joy slowly sliding out of the corner of your eyes when you least realize it.

This feeling is so great that I started sharing it with the world. Not the feeling but the dua so that if anyone anywhere is going through a troublesome period I can help them by giving this dua. I shared it on all my whatsapp chats and imagined the world will be at peace. But no! No one has read it or seen it or anything. When I mentioned to friends on one on one chats they would be like ya we saw you share something but didn’t open it yet. And amazingly this was the response that I was getting from each and every individual who was on those group chats. I made it my mission to talk to everyone individually and give them this dua and tell them how ppowerful it is. When I did people thanked me profusely. But before I had individually attacked them, no one had noticed it! :O It was like it hides till someone purposefully seeks it. :O

I think this is it for today. I would like to dedicate this post to Hassan and to this gorgeous most beautiful dua. I hope everyone finds it someday. Especially those who are troubled and wading through rough waters. 

5. Sit back and relax.

By Summaiya Noor Ali

The week after the week of disasters was amazing. We take a lot of things for granted and then stuff like marriage makes you re-evaluate everything. Down to your faith, and practices, and character and your daily to-dos. Infact on my way to a friends house, I was so excited, although I should have been sad, since we were going for condolences, hello! But I was thinking of all the instances where my mom used to say, “It’s the weekend, you do not have office, so I will wake you up in the morning to go for condolences.” Then she would say that you woke up so late today. The saddest bit was that I almost never went for condolences. Only if there were any at night I would attend them. 


Then my aunts mother-in-laws flight got delayed which meant she could take me to a milaad as well!!! Which was kheer puri but still! Dressing up and going to eat kheer was so amazing I would never have realized this. I also got a bit over excited and over-dressed, but well, it was yum and I barely get chances to dress up anyway. Didn't feel bad one bit. Aunt's feelings were a different story. ;)
What to do at this point? The best thing is to keep busy. Keep doing something or the other. Cook from scratch, clean daily, go for a walk as soon as the sun goes down, or even early morning. Explore your new surroundings and own them. Keep busy till your husband comes and then go for walks with him. Have tea with him and dinner with him. But just keep doing something. Read a lot. Or your mind will go rusty.

Also, I have an amazing husband who listens. Who says you get bored at home go stay at your aunts for a few days. Since going to my aunt is a battle in itself, I prefer going for nightstays to her place anyway, since I always manage to get stuck in rush hours. By the time I reach, stay for an hour or 2, its time to come back. The journey back would take 2-4 hours. That’s too much for me so I prefer staying over. So this invite for a nightstay and the idea suggested by hubby was a blessing in disguise since we were having a couple of sad days anyway. Me not getting a job, and Hassan trying to cheer me up. It was difficult. 

So I went for a night-stay, and stayed for 2 nights. By the time I came back I was feeling fresher, having not done any house chores for two days. I came back, and the damper was doing the dishes. I cannot stand dishes in the sink. It is amazing how I have said that I don’t have time for coming over and then on the next call I have said to others that I don’t have anything to do all day.

I met my friend who had come from Karachi the same day. We went for a movie, which was brilliant, Khalil Jibran’s ‘The Prophet.’ The movie makes me want to buy it and watch it daily till I can decipher the different levels that are underneath the visuals. Reminded me of the Quran, so many layers of meanings. Like an onion where there are so many layers to peel before one can reach the core. We shouldn’t make our kids watch Disney, well we might not be able to stop them but we should make them watch this animated feature as well. They wouldn’t get tired of it even when they grow up. I would do this to my 12 kids. The thought crossed my mind multiple times at the theatre.

I also got to know something amazing this day. Miracles come in many shapes and sizes. I just have to leave the house to realize it. Sultana is in her second trimester and she tells me that if she had jalapeños in a few weeks, her tiny baby would get the hiccups and she would be able to feel it. She didn’t believe it till her brother’s wife showed proof to her through research. Another thing she found out which was adding to the cuteness is that one of the ways to check the health of your baby is to eat something sweet or sour daily. As soon as the food reaches the baby it will kick. Hahahaha! This was so cute! Like when we give our tiny cousins chocolate or candy and they start jumping around because well, they were not allowed to have any sugar after 4 pm. But I found it incredible and miraculous that such a tiny baby will get affected so much by what the mother eats. We can be sure Sultana will be trying this out daily.

I also got a lecture from Sultana. My aunts were telling me since days and I didn’t believe it as much as when I heard it from Sultana. Whatever she says is usually backed by research, hence when she endorses it, it becomes real.

She was talking about how new wives usually go through clinical depression, especially those who leave their home country and get married to someone who lives abroad. Clinical depression, what I understand of it, means to be clingy, avoid going out alone, feeling weak and cranky, being lazy and not settling into a routine even when you know it is what you NEED. Now even if these new wives have numerous things going right for them, the fact that they have moved to live in a new country, new environment and with new people puts them out of their comfort zones. This coupled with the fact that everything in their life has been turned upside down, they don’t have the same jobs, same houses, same toothbrushes, same pillows, this messes with their minds. Their minds, seemingly come to an exploding point or a melting point, the calm before the eruption, or it is the eye of the storm, whatever you call it, it comes to a standstill, trying to cope with this huge change.

So when you get married, you cannot possibly start looking for a job in a new place. In fact you will have to give it a few months. You have to try your best to get comfortable within your own skin, with yourself, alone, to find your routine, what you like and don’t like at home. Which pillow suits you, what temperature of the air-conditioning suits you, and what antibiotics suit you are some of the questions that you will be answering over the next few days. Your body is adjusting, so help your mind and heart go along. Because if your body doesn’t agree your mind cannot really do much on its own. 

Do not sleep in, or skip making meals, or skip listening to anything that makes you happy. Bring things with you that make you feel at ease. Talk to your husband. All. The. Time.

I also realized another thing. I have never been this free in my life. I have always wanted to open businesses. But since my mind is already preoccupied in trying to cope, and stay alive in this new place, I cannot really bring myself to make a plan, strategize, start writing making lists. That is how I do things. I follow lists. Which is best for organized people but I could not bring myself to do it. Now I know why. Now I can stop feeling guilty about it. I thought in the past month that God is giving me this time to do something about my businesses, if I don’t I shouldn’t have any regrets because it was a conscious decision. Since I know my mind is on a vacation, I can stop feeling overwhelmed about not being the same person anymore. Everything takes time. If I ever get my mind back, I might be able to do it later.

Bootilicious, you have to wait some more.

4. Accept it! Its time to settle!

By Summaiya Noor Ali

Hello again. I am back in Dubai. My second home. Living my married life. Trying to act like a housewife. I have no idea how they manage to do it. I can barely hold it together on some days, while on other days it feels like I was born to do this.

I have so much time here, but sometimes it feels like I have no time at all. Now it is time to stop with the moping around and love this life. With the beautiful manmade lake by my side. I love the sea, actually I love every body of water. I even have a cycle here, and shops and the Nutella bun from Papparoti (which, by the way, is divine) There is quite a bit here, and it sure feels cosy and I, surprisingly, have called it home already.

But there is no ma here, no amal to beat up or saby to annoy. No immediate family here. It is Rajab, and there is nothing happening to remind us of the months passing by. The days and weeks are a blur, I dont remember dates anymore either. At the risk of sounding ungrateful I never mentioned this. But it is true. It has to come out sooner or later. It’s a different life, where I am not as independent, I do not have a job, I have no sense of achievement, I do not drive here, and I do not have a routine here.

I sleep when I want to, I wake up when I want to. I cook when I want to, and I don’t when I don’t want to. I have home food delivered to my house daily. I do not leave the house without my husband. It is safer here than in Karachi, but I almost always refuse to travel alone. By the way, my experiences here add to this weirdness. I did not know the rush hours and was relying on everyone else to let me know when to leave and when to reach their place. I would always get stuck in the rush hour. I would sleep and wake up in the car twice with nothing to do and get car sick. When I would reach home I would sleep the rest of the day trying to cope with the car sickness. In the same way I was once stranded on a metro station where no taxis would turn up and I stood there for half an hour till I was rescued. So rush hours are bad to say the least. I spend my days watching Friends, How I met your mother, Game of Thrones, Daredevil and these days Full House, which has around 8 seasons, so thats good. I manage to keep myself busy.

I have also boycotted television twice here. Which is sadness in itself since I am known to be the one in my family with the willpower. But then if I don’t have my books and stop myelf from watching television too then I would be bored stiff and probably go to sleep. Actually one day I realized that wasn’t true. I woke up to find no cable and no internet and that’s when this sort of a diary, of never ending whining started. So I write when I have nothing to do. Then I wonder why don’t I consider Content Writing as a job. Hmm. Worth pondering over.

But then I thought of everything that’s happening, and I realized I have also started talking to my one true connection these days. The connection is strongest at night, when there is nothing to see or do and I am trying to sleep but cannot since I wake up late. So during those times I have come to realize a few things. When I have nothing to do, I am extremely unhappy, and when I have nothing to make me feel like I can/have accomplished something I am unhappy. Laundry/washing/cleaning doesn’t cut it anymore. That feels like its required now. Cooking is relatively seldom and hence it still makes me feel good. But I realized I have nothing to do! And so, to add some dark humor and drama into my life I got a stiff neck. A neck so stiff and cramped up that it was hard to swallow, let alone see to my right and left. We went to the doctor who pressed the veins in my neck so hard I almost passed out.

Then over the coming weekend my glasses broke, and amazingly I didn’t have another pair. My lenses turn my eyes all red and watery and itchy, so couldnt wear those. I spent 6 days in 10% vision, which was insane and for the first few days made me thank god for having eyes at all to see blobs of colour, but then it got too much since I become almost handicapped if I do not have my glasses. My numbers are too high. 6.5 and 5.5 I think. 

Since I couldn’t see, I almost fell, where my limbs went flailing around and I stomped my foot too hard by mistake and ending up bursting a few capillaries in my toe. This meant my second smallest toe on the left was became all purple, dark blackish. It was gross and also hurting from time to time.

Then since I couldn’t see anything I banged into an open cabinet the same weekend. That didn’t help my neck too much.

Realization: God has a sense of humor. If I want to mope, he will give me stuff to mope about. 

3. The Purpose of going back.

By Summaiya Noor Ali

I had gone back to continue work, and then leave later when I do not want to extend my stay anymore. Basically when I am ready for the final move. I had also gone back to finish my incomplete projects. This meant publish my thesis, which right now is a manuscript, complete the writing of another book that was in the narration and compiling process. In fact this is a good time to tell you about it.

My thesis, interviews compiled and written in 2012, is ready for publication with a few more chapters added to it. It is a book that covered 10 women business owners in Karachi. These women belong to unique industries, different age brackets and different stages in their entrepreneurial pursuits. This book was written once I witnessed so many people around me who were stuck in one role; housewife.

Being housewives defined them. Their children defined them. They did not have an identity of their own. Every human being needs to know who they are down to their core. They have to be comfortable in their own skin so that they can live alone, and enjoy their own company from time to time. Women, even families, do not realize how essential this is. The book was written to focus on these women, and showcase the milestones in their life, and also to show housewives that they can do something to find their core. My solution was launching businesses of their own. Everyone needs to come up with their own solutions. I had found a publishing company that was ready to publish my manuscript in the form of an e-book. But it was quite expensive, with the wedding and everything, I was not left with much to pursue this. Current status: Looking for sponsors. Well, actually I looked into self publishing and it seems to be my best bet. Current Status: Finding people to read it once, make edits, someone to design the book. Then Self-Publish. Kindle Zindabad!

The second book is about miracles. The magic of miracles. Also how they strengthen our faith. Especially youth these days. They have so many questions but they do not know how to pose them. Also, a lot of older people do not know how to answer them since they are quite a curious generation. When older people do not know how to answer such questions, it puts a dent on their own faith, and also a question mark in the minds of the children who ask these questions. Hence, the miracles that we were capturing were first hand & second hand accounts from one person who has a collection of these stored in her mind. Her name is Narjis, she is an orator, a storyteller, a voracious reader, and an incredibly knowledgeable person with a passion for passing on knowledge and wisdom from her years of experience. What happens is we sit with her and take notes while she narrates her experiences and the tells us about the things she has seen. Since we jot down points while she narrates, we go home and sometimes elaborate them. We meet her again and she corrects us. The book will hopefully be published in English and in Urdu. InshaAllah. Current status: Compiling the manuscript.

So I went back for all this. I managed to have one day long meeting for the second book. I also realized I am out of money to publish my own book. For my business ideas, that needed time and hence, I was going to do that when I was in Dubai. Where I have nothing but time, and nothing much to fill my day with. I do not know what happened because I was supposed to work on the miracles from here, on skype, but have not heard from my partners about it.

Also, I got busy with 3 weddings in February (For which I was out of dresses, since I had said NO to JAHEZ! But it was fine since I got new ones made) which was the perfect ending to my trip home. So many functions, wearing saaris to milaads. Saari’s are my new found love. Everyone should dig into their mother’s closets and bring that fashion back. Alhumdulilah. Milaads were coming up left right and center since it was a happy month. I love milaads.

Cannot thank Allah swt enough for the extra time that I was given. But since I was, I have been preaching about it to people. All girls should be given this time. It was amazing. Feeling like you still belonged, even when you know that you now also belong to another place. It was quite wonderful and I cant put it into words. The feeling that your heart was now cut into 2. It was enough to help my mental state settle, and adjust to the new things that my life was suddenly throwing at me. 

2. Well, I got married. I went. I came back. Shocked society.

By Summaiya Noor Ali

I got married on the 13^th of October, came to Sharjah for a month, went back and joined work till 5^th of February. It was an incredible month, where we ate out daily and I held hands with a boy. :O


Not to forget I gained 5 kgs, which has never happened to me in my life of 26 years. 2 of which was divided between my left and right cheek. We went for lovely walks in the cold winter air by the corniche daily, sprinkled with talks of important things and life’s philosophy; what to do in life and how to go about doing it all. Talks of families and sisters, of cousins and friends. We had 10 days to live then hubby would get too busy with work. So we made the most of it. It was so lovely all of it. Like as if we were in a fairy tale and glitter was falling on us the whole time. It went by fast, feels like a dream now. I felt beautiful. Life felt beautiful. It was so darn beautiful. And did I mention how beautiful it all was?

It was decided beforehand that I had a few things that I will come back to in Karachi. My other home. A month after the marriage. My husband knew it, my family loved it. The society disapproved. *drum rolls*

I went back to Karachi. The society that forces people to give jahez; makes my blood boil. I was glad to have this chance, since I imagined that this sort of connection, these gatherings, the feeling of being close to Allah will not be so easily available anywhere else in the world. Also, I was used to these gatherings, and knew what happened, basically I was comfortable with this. So the gatherings continued, after the main days people started keeping gatherings at their houses. It was beautiful, attending with an understanding that this is unique, and I am blessed to have been given this bonus time.

And then comes the balloon deflator. After the event was over, people would ask me, “so you are still here.” “So, for how long.” “Since when are you here.” Such questions would blow my top. I would launch into my debate: “I have lived here 26 years. This is my home too. That is my home too. I don’t know why people are asking me why I am still here. How can anyone just pack up and live somewhere else forever, with someone else forever. It takes time. It has to be a normal process, let the mind body accept it etc etc.” I don’t know how people just pack up and leave like that is what they were born to do. Well, as you can see, since I couldn’t make time to mentally prepare myself, the world was getting to know about it when I came back. I would say all this to people who had time, even to those who did not, everyone was forced to listen to my mantra those days. (I actually have a recording of this as well, since I sent this on Whatsapp to all my relatives as well)

My standard reply:

“Ab mere do ghar hain. Ab mei jab chahoon jahan chahoon jitna chahoon rahoongi.”

“Now I have two houses. Now I will stay whenever I want, wherever I want, for as long as I want.”

This was hilarious. I would say this to strangers and relatives alike. There just had to be a comment from someone and I would launch into my impromptu speech. When I would leave the conversation and physically move on, my mother would take over, trying to smooth ruffled feathers. She would say, “oh you know how she is. Actually, she is not wrong, instead of saying how nice to see you, people are asking her you are still here. There is a way to say things na aunty. I hope you didn’t mind that.” And bla blu bleh blah she would continue.

Also! There was this group of people, and there was another. Two groups that were inserting drama into my life so that I never get bored. I love Allah swt for doing this always. Actually, he knows how easily I get bored and so…

The other group! They would come up to me and say, “Hey! Bride! How are you! Settling well? So when are you planning on having babies? How is your husband? How is he living without you? What do you do there all day? Do you cook? Who cleans? What time does he come from work? So what do you do all day? What do you cook? Do you know how to cook? Did your mom teach you anything? How many times do you eat out in a month?" Everyday. Since it was my honeymoon period, and he made sure I do not do any work during that time. That should have shut them up but no. Oh people please do not worry, he made sure to have home cooked meals delivered to our house because I am in experimental mode right now. Trying out dishes. Oh really? You don’t cook? You should have learned before. This group was more annoying. It was like the more people knew me, they would become terrible to handle. They would know exactly what to say to ruffle my feathers. So much so that I would be left speechless. No standard replies, no shocked expressions. That went by too. I lived, in fact came out stronger.

Anyway, I stayed in my home country for another few months. Then I bought the ticket, and this time I did not buy a return ticket. Then I left and came to my other country where we talked about going to a third country. Hilarious. My life. 

1. Missing those days. Overwhelmed.

by Summaiya Noor Ali

The longest time that I was overwhelmed was when there were 30 days left for my wedding. I, who never thought of getting married, was planning on moving to a boy’s house forever, that too in 30 days. Now there was no time to deal with my mental state, and instead I was being pulled around for jewelry selection, and ‘other’ set choosing, and clothes, and dresses for dinners after the wedding. But fortunately we were flying the very next day so I could put a stop to some of the madness. My husband was in Sharjah.

Well, the days were passing by in a blur. I remember even taking half days from work for the jewelry finalizing. And liking one set from every jeweler and promising them that I will come after my marriage to get their set, even if I don’t get it for the wedding. I just felt bad visiting all these places and not getting anything from some. I would have liked to make everyone happy by buying something from everyone. The most promising shops were Naurattan (undeniably best finish), and Abdul Khaliq (authentic and old style gold jewelry). I did end up buying a set from both places.

The clothes shopping was brilliant. I had only 2 functions, and my aunt was designing my wedding dress. I knew I wanted an incredibly simple white or ivory Kamdani dress for the milaad. We went to a market, there was no time to get my aunt to design this one. She has made all our clothes from our childhood till our old age I imagine. But we went to the market, chose our dresses, and finalized them. There were Eid holidays right before the wedding days and mom was really frustrated that I had chosen to get married right after Eid. I was overwhelmed that my family made sure everything I wanted was fulfilled, down to the banana shake that I demanded before going to the parlour.

For the milaad dress, I went to Capital market, although one must make sure they take someone who knows what they are looking for, to avoid getting confused by the choices, and also someone who knows clothes and materials. Because the next time I took my Kamdani suit out to wear to my cousins wedding the Kamdani had gone black from most places, and it had cost me 28k. For my makeup I went to Shaheen Saeed, who was the most economical and my only choice. Both functions together cost me 35k I think. I booked bridal for the wedding day, which was 24k and light casual party makeup for the milaad which was 11k. I trusted my ma for most of the things, and I hate shopping. So this was perfect, she said try Shaheen Saeed, I said done. She was professional to say the least without making me uncomfortable or flaunting any attitude that I hear about from other makeup artists. She even took into account what I said. I knew what I wanted and I told her. I knew I wanted a fluorescent red orange lipstick on the milaad because I wouldn’t be able to put it on the wedding day since that day my dress was red. She did exactly what I wanted. Light pink on the wedding day and smoky eyes, which were gorgeous and actually the smokey was really dark green. She said it added character. I couldn’t disagree with that. For my milaad she kept it light, with a bold lipstick. I looked gorgeous!

For my mehndi application we had booked these bohri ladies, and oh my God! It was perfect like a tattoo and ditto on both hands. I have really long hands, when she saw them she got scared at first, but she was done in 3 hours and I started the mehndi from 5 inches above my elbow. I was ecstatic. I love mehndi. On my feet, the mehndi lady said only feet, although I would have loved to put it till my knees, and my family wouldn’t have said a thing. They were very happy I was leaving, and they wanted me to leave happily. Even the colour was dark brown. Although usually I felt my colour was black almost, but I was happy with this too.

For my mental state, I was pressed for time to help myself. I was so busy being materialistic and getting everything that I wanted. That power was addictive and I abused it quite a bit. My time and energy was also being taken up with fighting my ma about not getting any jahez. That was exhausting. Apparently it made everyone laugh a lot. And no one really took me seriously till I put my foot down on an ‘extra’ dress that was incredibly heavy and I had no extra functions to wear it to, and that made me suspicious. Lead to a huge fight. ‘You do not care for MY feelings,’ ‘I have to give you SOMETHING!’ ‘I will give you this set anyway’ ‘I cannot just give you your wedding set.’ And on and on it went. While all this was happening, I was keeping a tab for the wedding expenses. That was hilarious since I had no job to pay for all this. But InshaAllah someday.

Ma went to my grandmother to tell her for laughs. She said, ‘Mummy she says she will not accept Jahez, or any gifts from my family.’ First they laughed. Then even my grandmother said, ‘Don’t say that out loud.’ And then to my mother, ‘Don’t let anybody hear this.’ Followed by the ever dreaded, ‘What will people say.’ Couldn’t blame her she came from that generation. But the educated lot, even my own mother, should understand and encourage it when I say everyone should pay for their own wedding. This burden should be taken on by the bride and groom since this is the era where usually the boy and girl are both working. STOP WITH JAHEZ! Gifts can come on birthdays and anniversaries! Once a year! One gift per occasion.

Say NO to JAHEZ!

Make sure you have a little salary left to make a few dresses for the inevitable dinners for the bride and groom. But no bedsheets, and cutlery, comforters and refrigerators, no furniture and house, no microwave and stove. I actually saw someone who was preparing 35 comforters and bedsheets, and a deep freezer and car and whatnot. I was so shocked, and dumbfounded that no words came out of my mouth and I felt sick to my gut.

If you have to give all this, just give it to your daughter and she will be able to live independently for the rest of her life. Then she might down the lane find someone who doesn’t want all this and likes your daughter for who she is instead of what she is coming with. Trust your daughter. You don’t want a son-in-law for the wrong reasons. Also, if you have to give all this, why not just get a stay at home son-in-law, since you are decorating the whole house with all necessities anyway. It also shows you do not trust your children (daughter and son-in-law) to set up their house themselves. You either hate their taste, or think they will never be able to afford all this. Come on! Wake up!