7. The dreaded truth for new wives

By Summaiya Noor Ali

Since I got married quite a few of my acquaintances are getting hitched. At first, I was completely at a loss after witnessing how society pushes you into settling into your new life like that is what you were born to do. Also, apparently, it comes easy to some.

Through my experiences, I have started mentoring girls who are going to be brides in the near future, since no amount of reading can prepare you for what lies after the wedding. Although I am a student myself in this field, I think I can still help people who are about to step into this zone. Coincidently, I have been lucky enough to be invited to iftars and dinners before Ramzan. I do not consider myself a very social person but somehow I was given the opportunity to be seated next to someone who is getting married within the next 2-4 months. Since I have way too much to say about weddings these days, we become friends and I start mentoring this girl. We exchanged contacts and that is that.

So I found people in this new strange land, and I went on and on about how they can prepare themselves, since I wasn’t prepared. (I don’t think I ever could have been prepared) I am the perfect person to be talking about after-the-wedding dramas. It has become like a sales pitch, where brides-to-be are usually hanging on every word.

So here it is, a list of things you must read up on, or prepare yourself by sticking to a recently married person from your friends circle:

1. First night is not all about love-making: There actually are a few amaals to do. Which is a namaz (to be recited by the bride and groom) and a few duas (which the groom has to recite). Also, the groom washes the brides feet for the one and only time and then that water is sprinkled around the house as a goodluck omen. This usually happens after nikkah. For everyone's convenience here is a link to that: http://www.al-islam.org/from-marriage-to-parenthood-heavenly-path-abbas-and-shaheen-merali/chapter-1the-wedding-night
2. Please please please better train yourself for the after-marriage-life. I myself have always worked and before that always studied, so I am the perfect example of someone who is blundering about even today. It has been almost 4 months for me in this house. It is true that cooking, cleaning etc are not a wives responsibility but in today’s world, it has sadly become so. The sooner you understand and accept it the better. Actually if you are at home, and not working yet, I think it is quite alright to get comfortable doing house chores. Believe me you would go mad if you do not keep yourself busy in the first few months. These house chores will go a long way in keeping you sane. To make yourself feel better about these, you can ask your husband to help out by dividing the tasks. Now some husbands come home from work around 11 pm, it would be incredibly selfish of you to ask them to do some house chores at that hour.
3. For those people who have no experience in cooking, you could get a tiffin service so that you don’t have to cook in the beginning. Especially if you are planning on working, which is usually the case these days, then make your husband understand beforehand that you will/will not be able to handle house chores or cooking when you will be working. This way you can mutually decide since the beginning when to clean, how to make food arrangements, washing clothes. You could cook maybe thrice a week, where you cook for 2 days on the same day. (One day is dinner-that- you-don’t-cook-day. Go out, or maybe the husband can cook on this day. ;))
4. I repeat. Please better train yourself. I can repeat this till it is drilled in people’s brains. A lot of modern women, I say this because these women are well educated, have mature opinions and are confident employees in the corporate world, these women usually are not well equipped for handling a house. Hey, it is my first time getting married too and I am still struggling since I come from a family that says we will treat girls like princesses because they will be spending the rest of their lives working in their own houses. We were not allowed to press Dada's back or legs, or even get his shoes for him because he would say we are kuwari (unwed). Pampered to the limit. In fact there was no limit. But for people like me, who had barely ever washed their clothes, and who had almost never cleaned the whole house in one day, who never ever really made a whole meal from scratch. I repeat women like me, must get comfortable cooking. Come prepared and know how to cook their favourite dishes atleast. I am saying this because a lot of days I could have cried because I was missing my mom’s daal or roti so much. You get used to your own cooking in time, but for those deep-down-under days, learn to make what you like to eat.
5. Cleanliness is half of faith. There I said it. My room used to be a pig sty if I might say so myself. The door has numerous posters daring people to enter at their own risk. Once they enter, under the clothes which seem to always cover every inch of my floor, they might step on a blade or a cordless phone. Fine, the blade was over-exaggeration but you get my point. I had never before used harpic, or seen the various cleaning agents that a tiny house might need. Well, there is always a first time for everything. And the firsts don't stop coming.
6. Loneliness is your friend. Get comfortable within your own skin.
7. Do not be afraid to cry. Also, make sure your husband knows and understands your internal struggles. Emotionally i was a baby, or maybe a baby is better emotionally equipped. Till i started work my emotions were all over the place. My poor husband had to bear the burden of them. The frequency has reduced plenty, but once a month, i am back to being needy, cranky, extremely irritating. 
8. Find what you like and bring it with you. Arts, books, pictures, camera. Anything you like that you think can keep you busy. 
9. Do not rush the job scene. You need time to adjust to a new life. But at the same time set a limit, you can whine and bitch till 5 months. Then grow up. Get a job. Start with taking reponsibility around the house. Skype daily.
10. Be a tourist in your new city. Explore it. Own it. 
11. Make sure to go to your mehka weekly, for a nightstay. Or after the first few months, for atleast a month if you moved somewhere abroad.
12. Do not despair. Be grateful at ALL times. 
13. For peace of mind and heart recite Dua e Neim ul Badal. 

Original article had 14 points. For those wondering what the 14th is, contact me directly. if you are above 18 it will be shared with you. In fact above 24.