by Summaiya Noor Ali
The longest time that I was overwhelmed was when there were 30 days left for my wedding. I, who never thought of getting married, was planning on moving to a boy’s house forever, that too in 30 days. Now there was no time to deal with my mental state, and instead I was being pulled around for jewelry selection, and ‘other’ set choosing, and clothes, and dresses for dinners after the wedding. But fortunately we were flying the very next day so I could put a stop to some of the madness. My husband was in Sharjah.
Well, the days were passing by in a blur. I remember even taking half days from work for the jewelry finalizing. And liking one set from every jeweler and promising them that I will come after my marriage to get their set, even if I don’t get it for the wedding. I just felt bad visiting all these places and not getting anything from some. I would have liked to make everyone happy by buying something from everyone. The most promising shops were Naurattan (undeniably best finish), and Abdul Khaliq (authentic and old style gold jewelry). I did end up buying a set from both places.
The clothes shopping was brilliant. I had only 2 functions, and my aunt was designing my wedding dress. I knew I wanted an incredibly simple white or ivory Kamdani dress for the milaad. We went to a market, there was no time to get my aunt to design this one. She has made all our clothes from our childhood till our old age I imagine. But we went to the market, chose our dresses, and finalized them. There were Eid holidays right before the wedding days and mom was really frustrated that I had chosen to get married right after Eid. I was overwhelmed that my family made sure everything I wanted was fulfilled, down to the banana shake that I demanded before going to the parlour.
For the milaad dress, I went to Capital market, although one must make sure they take someone who knows what they are looking for, to avoid getting confused by the choices, and also someone who knows clothes and materials. Because the next time I took my Kamdani suit out to wear to my cousins wedding the Kamdani had gone black from most places, and it had cost me 28k. For my makeup I went to Shaheen Saeed, who was the most economical and my only choice. Both functions together cost me 35k I think. I booked bridal for the wedding day, which was 24k and light casual party makeup for the milaad which was 11k. I trusted my ma for most of the things, and I hate shopping. So this was perfect, she said try Shaheen Saeed, I said done. She was professional to say the least without making me uncomfortable or flaunting any attitude that I hear about from other makeup artists. She even took into account what I said. I knew what I wanted and I told her. I knew I wanted a fluorescent red orange lipstick on the milaad because I wouldn’t be able to put it on the wedding day since that day my dress was red. She did exactly what I wanted. Light pink on the wedding day and smoky eyes, which were gorgeous and actually the smokey was really dark green. She said it added character. I couldn’t disagree with that. For my milaad she kept it light, with a bold lipstick. I looked gorgeous!
For my mehndi application we had booked these bohri ladies, and oh my God! It was perfect like a tattoo and ditto on both hands. I have really long hands, when she saw them she got scared at first, but she was done in 3 hours and I started the mehndi from 5 inches above my elbow. I was ecstatic. I love mehndi. On my feet, the mehndi lady said only feet, although I would have loved to put it till my knees, and my family wouldn’t have said a thing. They were very happy I was leaving, and they wanted me to leave happily. Even the colour was dark brown. Although usually I felt my colour was black almost, but I was happy with this too.
For my mental state, I was pressed for time to help myself. I was so busy being materialistic and getting everything that I wanted. That power was addictive and I abused it quite a bit. My time and energy was also being taken up with fighting my ma about not getting any jahez. That was exhausting. Apparently it made everyone laugh a lot. And no one really took me seriously till I put my foot down on an ‘extra’ dress that was incredibly heavy and I had no extra functions to wear it to, and that made me suspicious. Lead to a huge fight. ‘You do not care for MY feelings,’ ‘I have to give you SOMETHING!’ ‘I will give you this set anyway’ ‘I cannot just give you your wedding set.’ And on and on it went. While all this was happening, I was keeping a tab for the wedding expenses. That was hilarious since I had no job to pay for all this. But InshaAllah someday.
Ma went to my grandmother to tell her for laughs. She said, ‘Mummy she says she will not accept Jahez, or any gifts from my family.’ First they laughed. Then even my grandmother said, ‘Don’t say that out loud.’ And then to my mother, ‘Don’t let anybody hear this.’ Followed by the ever dreaded, ‘What will people say.’ Couldn’t blame her she came from that generation. But the educated lot, even my own mother, should understand and encourage it when I say everyone should pay for their own wedding. This burden should be taken on by the bride and groom since this is the era where usually the boy and girl are both working. STOP WITH JAHEZ! Gifts can come on birthdays and anniversaries! Once a year! One gift per occasion.
Say NO to JAHEZ!
Make sure you have a little salary left to make a few dresses for the inevitable dinners for the bride and groom. But no bedsheets, and cutlery, comforters and refrigerators, no furniture and house, no microwave and stove. I actually saw someone who was preparing 35 comforters and bedsheets, and a deep freezer and car and whatnot. I was so shocked, and dumbfounded that no words came out of my mouth and I felt sick to my gut.
If you have to give all this, just give it to your daughter and she will be able to live independently for the rest of her life. Then she might down the lane find someone who doesn’t want all this and likes your daughter for who she is instead of what she is coming with. Trust your daughter. You don’t want a son-in-law for the wrong reasons. Also, if you have to give all this, why not just get a stay at home son-in-law, since you are decorating the whole house with all necessities anyway. It also shows you do not trust your children (daughter and son-in-law) to set up their house themselves. You either hate their taste, or think they will never be able to afford all this. Come on! Wake up!
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