5. Sit back and relax.

By Summaiya Noor Ali

The week after the week of disasters was amazing. We take a lot of things for granted and then stuff like marriage makes you re-evaluate everything. Down to your faith, and practices, and character and your daily to-dos. Infact on my way to a friends house, I was so excited, although I should have been sad, since we were going for condolences, hello! But I was thinking of all the instances where my mom used to say, “It’s the weekend, you do not have office, so I will wake you up in the morning to go for condolences.” Then she would say that you woke up so late today. The saddest bit was that I almost never went for condolences. Only if there were any at night I would attend them. 


Then my aunts mother-in-laws flight got delayed which meant she could take me to a milaad as well!!! Which was kheer puri but still! Dressing up and going to eat kheer was so amazing I would never have realized this. I also got a bit over excited and over-dressed, but well, it was yum and I barely get chances to dress up anyway. Didn't feel bad one bit. Aunt's feelings were a different story. ;)
What to do at this point? The best thing is to keep busy. Keep doing something or the other. Cook from scratch, clean daily, go for a walk as soon as the sun goes down, or even early morning. Explore your new surroundings and own them. Keep busy till your husband comes and then go for walks with him. Have tea with him and dinner with him. But just keep doing something. Read a lot. Or your mind will go rusty.

Also, I have an amazing husband who listens. Who says you get bored at home go stay at your aunts for a few days. Since going to my aunt is a battle in itself, I prefer going for nightstays to her place anyway, since I always manage to get stuck in rush hours. By the time I reach, stay for an hour or 2, its time to come back. The journey back would take 2-4 hours. That’s too much for me so I prefer staying over. So this invite for a nightstay and the idea suggested by hubby was a blessing in disguise since we were having a couple of sad days anyway. Me not getting a job, and Hassan trying to cheer me up. It was difficult. 

So I went for a night-stay, and stayed for 2 nights. By the time I came back I was feeling fresher, having not done any house chores for two days. I came back, and the damper was doing the dishes. I cannot stand dishes in the sink. It is amazing how I have said that I don’t have time for coming over and then on the next call I have said to others that I don’t have anything to do all day.

I met my friend who had come from Karachi the same day. We went for a movie, which was brilliant, Khalil Jibran’s ‘The Prophet.’ The movie makes me want to buy it and watch it daily till I can decipher the different levels that are underneath the visuals. Reminded me of the Quran, so many layers of meanings. Like an onion where there are so many layers to peel before one can reach the core. We shouldn’t make our kids watch Disney, well we might not be able to stop them but we should make them watch this animated feature as well. They wouldn’t get tired of it even when they grow up. I would do this to my 12 kids. The thought crossed my mind multiple times at the theatre.

I also got to know something amazing this day. Miracles come in many shapes and sizes. I just have to leave the house to realize it. Sultana is in her second trimester and she tells me that if she had jalapeños in a few weeks, her tiny baby would get the hiccups and she would be able to feel it. She didn’t believe it till her brother’s wife showed proof to her through research. Another thing she found out which was adding to the cuteness is that one of the ways to check the health of your baby is to eat something sweet or sour daily. As soon as the food reaches the baby it will kick. Hahahaha! This was so cute! Like when we give our tiny cousins chocolate or candy and they start jumping around because well, they were not allowed to have any sugar after 4 pm. But I found it incredible and miraculous that such a tiny baby will get affected so much by what the mother eats. We can be sure Sultana will be trying this out daily.

I also got a lecture from Sultana. My aunts were telling me since days and I didn’t believe it as much as when I heard it from Sultana. Whatever she says is usually backed by research, hence when she endorses it, it becomes real.

She was talking about how new wives usually go through clinical depression, especially those who leave their home country and get married to someone who lives abroad. Clinical depression, what I understand of it, means to be clingy, avoid going out alone, feeling weak and cranky, being lazy and not settling into a routine even when you know it is what you NEED. Now even if these new wives have numerous things going right for them, the fact that they have moved to live in a new country, new environment and with new people puts them out of their comfort zones. This coupled with the fact that everything in their life has been turned upside down, they don’t have the same jobs, same houses, same toothbrushes, same pillows, this messes with their minds. Their minds, seemingly come to an exploding point or a melting point, the calm before the eruption, or it is the eye of the storm, whatever you call it, it comes to a standstill, trying to cope with this huge change.

So when you get married, you cannot possibly start looking for a job in a new place. In fact you will have to give it a few months. You have to try your best to get comfortable within your own skin, with yourself, alone, to find your routine, what you like and don’t like at home. Which pillow suits you, what temperature of the air-conditioning suits you, and what antibiotics suit you are some of the questions that you will be answering over the next few days. Your body is adjusting, so help your mind and heart go along. Because if your body doesn’t agree your mind cannot really do much on its own. 

Do not sleep in, or skip making meals, or skip listening to anything that makes you happy. Bring things with you that make you feel at ease. Talk to your husband. All. The. Time.

I also realized another thing. I have never been this free in my life. I have always wanted to open businesses. But since my mind is already preoccupied in trying to cope, and stay alive in this new place, I cannot really bring myself to make a plan, strategize, start writing making lists. That is how I do things. I follow lists. Which is best for organized people but I could not bring myself to do it. Now I know why. Now I can stop feeling guilty about it. I thought in the past month that God is giving me this time to do something about my businesses, if I don’t I shouldn’t have any regrets because it was a conscious decision. Since I know my mind is on a vacation, I can stop feeling overwhelmed about not being the same person anymore. Everything takes time. If I ever get my mind back, I might be able to do it later.

Bootilicious, you have to wait some more.